A Feared Love For Someone Broken
by Crystal Flower of Solitude
Summary: She was broken, had been for a while. So when she's approached by someone and asked to help the K-Pop group Nu'est over the summer, she was shocked. Not only will she be meeting her favorite K-Pop group, but she'll get to work with them almost everyday. She even finds love and a new family. How will she deal with all of this when that person finds out her secret? Ren x OFC
1. Chapter 1-Meetings, Dreams

**So this is a new story idea of mine that I'm trying out. I won't continue it if you guys don't like it or no ones reading it. I'll try to write the group members personalities as best I can, but that may be a little hard in some cases. Also, things may get confusing and a little contradictory, so if you have any questions, just ask. With all that said, I hope you guys enjoy this story.**

**Rated T for language**

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

**Meetings, Dreams, And More Meetings**

If someone had come up to me back when I was in my freshman year of highschool and told me I would eventually work with one of my all time favorite K-Pop bands of all time, Nu'est, I would have called them bat shit crazy. And then I would have been slapped in the face with how wrong I was. It's an interesting story to tell the least, so let me start at the beginning.

Back when I was in middle school, I started writing a book series. Another quick random story real quick, sorry. Once upon a time I wanted to be an artist. When I started watching anime and reading manga I wanted to be an american manga artist, I even had a story idea. For as long as I can remember I have loved creating stories. It was my passion. I eventually started writing fanfictions and and I decided I wanted to be a writer rather than a manga artist/writer. I had two original story ideas that fail before I came upon I wrote my most recent idea. How this one came to be, I'm not even sure, but it changed my life.

Anyway, back to the point. I was able to keep up with the series and I eventually completed it. I got a copyright on it and sent it to an editor towards the end of my freshman year. The editor loved the idea and the story but it was lacking a few things since I was so young, not to mention English is my worst category. During the summer my editor came to where I lived and worked on it with me. By the end of the summer I had published the first book of my series under the pen name Midnight Rivers and it was in stores before Halloween. By Christmas millions were buying it.

No one knew it was me who wrote it, and I was fine with that. I loved being able to share my ideas with other people even if they had no idea who I was. When ever I was asked to do an interview I would put in colored contacts and wore a wig to hide my actual looks. I wasn't looking for fame, but it ended up coming to me in my sophomore year.

You see, I loved writing. At sometimes my idea's came out as a form of poetry. It was more in the form of Spoken Word Poetry. It wasn't flowy like poetry exactly, but it did flow and it carried a lot of meaning. People loved when I wrote like this. My freshman World Studies teacher had asked us to express our knowledge of racism in someway or another. I expressed my in a form of poetry. When she saw it she asked me if she could have a copy to hang up on her bored. I, of course, agreed.

In my sophomore year I created a suicide prevention poem. When my friends read it, they wanted me to present it in the talent show at the end of the year. I agreed and edited it to make the words flow more smoothly and practiced reading it. When the talent show came around, I did my first ever spoken word poem. The video's were posted on YouTube and went somewhat viral. People enjoyed them so I made a YouTube channel of them.

So, how does this relate to me working with Nu'est? I don't even know all I know is that one day, I got an email from my editor, who also worked with me with my poems, saying that a Korean pop star was coming to visit and ask me some questions. This was the moment that changed my life, and it took place a few weeks before summer break.

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><p>It was two weeks before summer break when I met with the person who would be asking me questions. They came to my house instead of us meeting somewhere more official.<p>

I was sitting at my dining room table wringing my hands together while my mom was sitting next to me. My dad was pacing our hallway and my editor was sitting on the couch in our living room waiting for our guest. When the doorbell rung, my editor quickly stood up and walked over to the door and opened it. Someone who looked oddly familiar walked through the door saying thankyou and locked eyes with me. He gave a charming smile and walked over to the table and sat down across from me. My dad sat next to my mom and my editor sat and the head of the table next to me and the mystery man.

"I must say it took a long time to get here, my I ask exactly what the name of this town is?" he asked

"Um...Longmont, sir." I said quietly, slightly hiding behind my hair.

"You don't have to address me so formally, my name's Aaron Kwak." he said holding out his hand. I looked up and my eyes widened in shock.

"Aaron as in Aron from Nu'est?" I asked shocked. He chuckled and laughed.

"Yes, it's nice to meet you, Miss May."

"Um...Molly is just fine." I said quietly. He nodded.

"So, Aaron. You told me you wanted to ask Molly for a somewhat job?" My editor asked

"Ah, yes. Well, our manager wanted to bring in someone who specializes in the English language to help teach our other members some English. To be honest, we're hoping to do a full american tour. But before we can do that, we, or more specifically they, need to get a better grasp on English."

"But what about you! You're at least partially American, right? Why don't you do it?" I asked panicked

"That is true, I'm not fully sure why. But I also have other things I need to do for the group, such as research some dance moves, music, stuff like that. I think my manager is looking for someone to help the group who isn't in the group, if that makes any sense."

"It makes a little. So if I was to do that, what would it entail?"

"Well, for starters, we'd be paying for everything, as well as a temporary place to stay in Korea. You can come back for the Fourth of July if you want and then fly back. And we'll also make sure you come back with plenty of time to get ready for your junior year. I can also help you learn some Korean while you're staying there. As for what you'll actually be doing, you'll be helping us around while we're working on songs, dance moves, and other things like that. And during that time we'll work together to help them get more used to speaking English. In some spare time you'll also be helping them with some spelling and grammar. There will probably be a few other things, but I can't think of anything else at the moment."

"Alright, but still. Why me? Why not some English professor or something like that?"

"We've seen your interviews and you performances. Our manager thought you would be able to work well with the group." I looked over at my manager and she gave a nod.

"I would be going with you since you're only sixteen." I gave a nod and looked over at my parents. They gave skeptical looks but nodded.

"Just make sure you behave." My mom said. It hurt a little like it always did, but I hid it with a smile.

"I guess it's worth a shot, if things don't work out, I'll just come back here. So when will we leave?" I asked getting excited. Aaron laughed.

"As soon as you're done with school there's a sixteen hour difference so I'll try and find a flight that will make the time change as easy as possible. Also, for the next few weeks, I was hoping that we could spend some time together so that you'll at least know someone when we head over, that is if you don't mind." I shook my head.

"That would be amazing!" I said eagerly. After all, that would mean less time in my house. Aaron chuckled again.

"If you don't mind, would you mind if I took you out right now?" he asked. I looked over at my parents and they nodded.

"Sure! I'll go grab my purse." I jumped up and quickly walked to my room to grab said object.I walked back out to the dining room. When I re-entered the room Aaron was standing, after waving to my parents, I walked out the front door. I turned around and faced Aaron after we got outside. "So where do you want to go?" I asked

"How about a coffee house?" He asked

"There's a Starbucks not that far away if you want to walk." I stated. He gave a nod and we started walking to the cafe. It was about a fifteen minute walk, so we had plenty of time to talk.

"So, you're almost done with your tenth grade year of highschool, how does that feel?" he asked

"To be honest, it feels really weird. Last year I was still feeling like I was back in fifth grade, but now? I feel older, like I skipped middle school and my freshman year. It might be because I finally got my head around some things I didn't want to except back when I was younger."

"Oh?" Aaron asked. I laughed nervously.

"Well, I had some issues when I was younger, and I kind of screwed myself up mentally. I'm doing better, but there are still some things there, in the back of my mind. Up until recently, when I started reading my poem out loud, I had actually stopped speaking and I willing went mute for about a year and a half. I felt like I screwed everything up, besides what my friends said, I was just in such a weird place and I just kind of broke down. It took a lot for my friends to convince me to do that poem. But after everything, after I finished reading it and seeing and hearing everyone's reactions? It felt like so much had been lifted off of me. Ever since, I've been extremely happy. My friends and classmates were utterly shocked when I walked into class the next day and started talking to my two best friends. I think that was about three weeks ago."

"How did you converse with people then?" he asked slightly shocked

"I had a notebook that I wrote things in. When I first started, the only time I would actually use my voice was in choir and when teachers asked me questions in class. Eventually they stopped asking me, and the only time I used my voice was when I sang. But that was only in class and when I was alone, so no one heard."

"Well, that's...interesting." He looked up at the clear sky "So do you still sing?" he asked.

"In class yes, and I always end up singing along with songs, but I hate singing by myself. It just doesn't work." I laughed

"Why not?" he asked looking over at me again

"The first time I sang by myself it was for an honor choir audition. I was so nervous that I ended up shaking and the shaking got to my voice with ended up cutting off the notes I held. It was so horrible." I said locking my hands together behind my back.

"How long have you been in choir?" he asked

"I've been in choir since I was in sixth grade, I was also in my middles school 'special choir' in seventh and eighth grade."

"Wow, that's awesome. I bet you're less shy than you were back then if you've had practice singing for so long."

"I guess, I've just been afraid to put it to the test." I said quietly. after a minute of silence, we arrived at Starbucks. I pulled out my gift card and walked over to the counter and quickly looking at the menu, when I found my usual drink I ordered it and looked back at Aaron "Get whatever you want, it's my treat." I smiled

"Are you sure?" he asked. I nodded. "Alright then."

After our drinks were made, we picked them up at sat down. We talked while we drank and headed back after we were done. After that, it was decided that he would drive me to school and pick me up until school was over so we had more time to talk. The last two weeks of school went by quickly and soon I was packed and heading to DIA to head to South Korea to start working with Nu'est. My editor was going with me since I was expected to write something while I was there and also as support. It was decided that we would each have our own apartment, them being next to each other in the building.

I gave goodbyes to my family and then headed into security and to the one thing that would changed my life forever.

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><p>Aaron had choses a plane that would land us in Seoul at night so I could pretty much sleep the time change away. Over the long flight, I watched anime on my computer, worked on some poetry, and talked to Aaron about the members.<p>

"So, is there anything I should know about your group before I meet them all?" I asked about halfway through the flight

"Not really, not off the top of my head." he said shrugging

"Is there anyway I should address them? Should I use their birth names, or should I use their stage names?" I asked

"You'll have to ask them and see what they say. I'd guess their stage names until you all get to know each other better and then probably use their actual names." I nodded

With that the rest of the flight when by some what quickly and we left to our apartments. Aaron told me to call him when I woke up and tell him how I felt, and if I felt up to it I could meet the members. He left after making sure everything was in order and I dropped my stuff, stripped down, and went into a deep sleep.

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><p>Sadly, my dreams were a mess. I had gone through therapy after I stopped speaking to people and was diagnosed with quite a few phobias. I'm pretty sure some of them were over diagnosed but it didn't seem to matter. I was on medication for quite a few of them.<p>

Anthropophobia-fear of people

Why? I have no idea. I think I'm just afraid to speak in front of people. My therapist says he's picked up signs of me being afraid of trusting people or afraid that they're judging me.

Agoraphobia – fear of helplessness and of leaving safe places

I've always been scared that that I was useless and afraid to go out sometimes.

Glossophobia – fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak

Already talked about this one kind of. I hate speaking in front of people because I'm afraid they'll judge me or that I'll screw up.

Autophobia – fear of isolation

I don't even know

Gelotophobia – fear of being laughed at

Yes, that is true. But I don't know why.

Haphephobia – fear of being touched

I'm not afraid really, I just don't like it .

Scopophobia – fear of being looked at or stared at

Sure, I'll go with that. The doc says it's because I automatically assume they're judging me.

Phonophobia – fear of loud sounds or voices

Yup. Do I know why? Nope

Oneirophobia – fear of dreams

I don't fully understand why, but I'm glad I was given medication that makes it so I don't seem to dream. My dreams led me to being screwed up, one of those reasons actually being Ren of Nu'est. Why? Because real people suck and when I found out about him, he was like a wonderful dream. This sent me into a slight depression, because in my screwed up mind that fact that I would never have a chance to meet him and possibly fall in love with him broke me down. He just seemed so perfect, and I envied it a little inside.

Philophobia – fear of love

Funny, this actually links to my fear of dreams. When I started wanting to be in my dreams rather than reality, I grew to start fearing love in the real world. I had always ended being hurt and broken in the end before, and it eventually broke me down. It acturaly came down to the fact that when a boy confessed to me in school, I freaked out, ran away, and started crying. My friends May and Koda had to track me down and calm me down.

Atelophobia - fear of not being good enough or imperfection

Yup. I don't think I'm good enough for anything, even when people tell me otherwise. I'll pretend I understand and put on a smile. And this is my best kept secret. That smile is a lie, and I hate who I am, but at the same time I don't want to change.

I've also been diagnosed with depression, paranoia, and a little bi polar. All of these things came up at some point, and I never realized it until I went through therapy. Most of the reasons for my fears the doc gave me, but I gave myself some reasons as well.

I hadn't been able to take my medication before I went to sleep, I was just too tired. And that led to the first dreams I've had in a long time.

I dreamed about Ren, surprisingly, in all his perfect glory. Apparently we were together because he told me that I was perfect, beautiful, and that he loved me. I woke up with my head in my pillow and me crying my heart out. I looked at the clocked and it said it was six in the mourning. Normally I sleep for about five or six more hours but I knew I wouldn't be getting back to sleep. Dreams like that were what broke me down. They were so wonderful, but they were a lie my twisted mind created. I got up and took a hot shower, letting the boiling water burn my skin and help my cold body warm up. I had put my shower stuff in the bathroom last night and I had hidden my secret get away in there instead of it's usual spot in my bra since I wouldn't have gotten through security with it. After I had cleaned myself up, I turned the show so it was filling up the tub for a bath.

My get away had been sitting on the edge of the tub calling to me the entire time, so I finally sat down in the water and grabbed the razor and slid it across my upper arm. I had promised a friend of mine that I would never hurt myself again, but I had broken during my freshman year and bit myself. He knew, and understood why I had done it, but he didn't know that I had started cutting myself. I started after I stopped speaking, and it was why I always wore a hoodie or something with long sleeves now. It was also why I wore jeans or black tights if I was wearing a skirt.

After a few lines, I started carving words into my arms and legs, the same ones that were already there and had been for a while. Only my therapist knew about them and because of the confidentiality agreement, he couldn't tell anyone.

_Unloved_

_Crazy_

_Screwed Up_

_Stupid_

_Ugly_

_Slut_

_Hopeless_

_Useless Dreamer_

_Weak_

And many more. I made sure not to cut too deep so I didn't lose too much blood. These were the words that defined me. They were my deepest hidden emotions that no one knew about. I had thought about suicide before, but I could never bring myself to try. After a bout a half an hour of that when I started to get a little light headed I stopped, washed of my arms and body of the reddish water and blood, and got out. I cleaned my fresh cuts and went to making myself some breakfast. While it was cooking I called Aaron and told him I would love to meet the group. He told me he would come pick me up at nine, so in about two hours.

In those two hours I ate my breakfast and built up my walls that had crashed down last night and then went and told my editor, Mave, that I would be leaving to meet Nu'est around nine. With that, I went back over to my apartment and got ready. I dressed in a black tank top and a blue sweater thingy over that along with my dark blue jeans. I put on my knee high socks and black ankle boots and then put in my earrings and put on my necklaces. One was two Celtic dragons forming a small circle, and the other was a Naruto ring that had Gaara's 'love' kanji on it. After that I pulled my short brown hair back into a messy high ponytail that I thought looked kind of good on me. Right as I finished there was a knock on my door. It was Aaron, and we left to meet me new partners.

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><p>To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I met them where they had their dance practice, and I found out that they did speak a bit English, it was just a little hard to understand. Partially because of the accent, and partially because of the grammar. As Aaron had guessed, they introduced themselves with their stage names. The first one to introduce himself was Baekho, then it was JR, then Minhyun, and lastly, Ren.<p>

He looked just as sexy as he did in their video's, maybe even more so, and the fear hit me hard. The fear of falling hard, and being rejected. Thankfully, I was able to keep it down, although as luck would have it, or in this case the opposite, my earlier actions combined with my lack of sleep finally caught up to me and my vision went black and I tripped. The one to stop me from falling? Ren. Unfortunately he had caught me by my upper arm where the cuts were. And I know he saw me cringe. He let my arm go after I was stable and looked at me as if he was trying to figure something out. Aaron walked over.

"Are you alright, Molly?" he asked. I gave a nod.

"I'm fine, I guess I'm just still a little tired from the trip last night." I faked a smile.

"Well why don't you head back to your apartment and try and get some more rest then." I nodded and went to walk away, then nervously turned around.

"Um...could someone drive me?" I ask quietly.

"That's right, I'm sorry." Aaron said. And then luck decided to leave me again.

"I'll do it." Ren said stepping forward. I felt one of my walls crumble down. Crap.

The silent drive was neither pleasant nor awkward, and when we arrived, he walked me up to my apartment.

"Um...would you like to come it for a few minutes?" I asked quietly. He gave a nod. We walked into the apartment, and I immediately took the pills I was supposed to take last night. When I turned to face Ren, I was a little calmer but he raised an eyebrow, obviously questioning what I just took. "I have a few phobias and disorders that I have to take medication for. I didn't get a chance to take them last night when I got here." I answered quietly. He nodded and then cut the chase.

"When I grabbed your arm earlier, you flinch. Why?" He ask bluntly.

"I'm just not really a fan of people I don't really know touching me, that's all." I partially lied.

"It was in pain."

"It's nothing, don't worry about it…" I mumbled, hoping he would stop asking about it. no such luck.

"If it's nothing, then take off your sweater." Damn, he's smart too.

"I'm cold."

"It will only be a second." he said walking towards me. I, being the idiot I was, literally backed myself into a corner. He place his hands on either side of my head and I fought hard not to blush. "Take off the jacket." I felt almost all of my walls fall down as I felt my eyes begin to tear.

"Please don't tell anyone." I said quietly. He looked at me confused and then in shock as I slipped off my jacket, showing the red marks and words against my pale skin. After a few seconds I quickly slipped it back on and Ren backed away.

"You should go…" I stated quietly. He gave a silent nod and walked away. Right as he reached the door, he stopped, turned around, walked over, and hugged me.

"I'll be back later." he whispered in my ear. And then he was gone, leaving me in shock and locking and closing the door behind him.

And with that, the rest of my walls fell down and I fell to the ground in tears, letting my thankfully dreamless sleep overtake me on the floor. I was weak.

But little did I know, that the one person I thought was so far out of reach, that person who made me afraid to love, would be the same person who would help me fight almost all of my fears. And he was also the one I would spend the rest of my life with.

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><p><strong>I swear, I never plan to write stories like this, and then they just pop out. I didn't plan on making her a self harmer, but I decided to keep it because it will open many new paths for the story in the future. With that said, I'm telling you that this story will be one hell of an emotional roller coaster. It will be happy, said, romantic and sweet, scary, and many others along with some mixing. I do hope you guys like this though and keep on reading this story.<strong>

**Toodles!**


	2. Chapter 2-Mixed Feelings

**Soooo, next chappie...Is anyone even reading this? Trigger Warning. Pretty much the entire story has it.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

**Mixed Feelings**

I don't know if it was because of my emotional stress or if it was something else, but I dreamed again. I woke up sitting and crying and I quickly ran to my bedroom and changed into shortish shorts and a spaghetti strap top, then I ran into the bathroom, grabbing my blade and cutting a few lines, no words this time.

My therapist said I cut words because they were a silent cry for help, begging someone to notice my pain and tell me that I'm not all those those things I think (know) I am. I'm sure he's right on some level for the words, but the cutting in general had a purpose. I'm a vivid dreamer, which that by itself can make life confusing sometimes, but there's also the fact that parts of at least 75% of my dreams have come true before, and I see it coming. It was fine at first, I loved it. I loved dreaming. My dreams were full of love, caring, and happiness. Almost the exact opposite of my real life. It made me wonder if my life was actually some nightmare and my dreams were my life. That's when I tested out pain.

In dreams, if you hurt yourself, you don't necessarily feel it, and if you do, it's not terrible. In the real world you do feel pain. That's why I started cutting. Because the color of my blood and the pain of the cut showed me that I wasn't in a dream. Shortly after that started, I started to hate dreaming and I tried to stop sleeping to avoid it. I would pass out from sleep deprivation and go into a deep dreamless sleep. After a few times of that happening at school, my parent's found out about me not sleeping and decided to send me to a therapist.

There were a few reasons I started hating my dreams, but there was one big one. Ren. After I found out about Nu'est, I love their music, it had so much meaning. And obviously, as a fangirl, I had my favorite of the group even if I liked all of them, my favorite being Ren. Somehow he wriggled his way into my dreams, those dreams were amazing, I wanted to stay in them forever because they made me so happy. I would always wake up with a smile afterwards. But then I would have to face reality and it horrors. There were good things, but the bad things that happened seemed to wipe away every good thing there was. I started to hate myself even more, because I knew that the happiness in my dreams would never become reality. Definitely not with Ren, and most likely not with any other person I liked. Who would like me? I was weird, a freak. I hated how I looked and hated who I was inside.

I tried to change, but it made things worse, because I was trying to be something I wasn't. So I would go back to how I was. There were two completely different parts of me, and they could switch randomly. I could go from being extremely happy, and then one little thing could come up and I would almost cry. And there were other times where I didn't really feel anything.

My dreams were where all of my insecurities and fears started. So when I was given medication to stop dreaming, I was overjoyed. But I had already developed my phobias and stuff. So the cutting didn't stop. I could see there why the doc thought it was me crying out for help.

After about ten minutes I stopped, blood running down my thighs and arms, and I felt sick. I lunged over to the toilet and threw up the little food that was in my stomach. Sometimes my medication would disintegrate and mix weird, causing me to barf.

I flushed the toilet and rinsed off my face and mouth and then slid down the wall, my wounds still bleeding. The bathroom door was cracked, but I didn't hear anyone come in until I heard someone call out.

"Molly?" Ren called out. I quickly covered my mouth to stop my sobs. "Are you in here?" he called again. I heard his footsteps come down the hallway and I went to shut the door but it was too late. He opened the door and froze when he saw me.

He rushed out of the room and after a minute came back, picking me up, and carrying me to a now sheet covered couch and laid me down. I was still crying quietly when he rushed back with some medical supplies and started treating my cuts. He started off by cleaning off the blood, and then he went to cleaning the cuts. I didn't flinch when he used the stuff that cleans out our wounds, I got used to it a long time ago. After he was done cleaning out my cuts he wrapped gauze around them. He then picked me up and and removed the now bloodied sheet from underneath me and then sat me back down. He through the sheet in the laundry basket and then walked over to me, sitting sideways on the couch with his legs crossed. I slowly did the same, looking down at my now bandaged legs

"Why are you here, Ren?" I asked quietly

"I told you I'd be back, didn't I?" We sat there in silence for about a minute before he started talking again. "Why did I find you like that? Why were you crying and bleeding on the floor?" He asked

"Because I needed to bring myself back to reality." I whispered

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked

"One of the reasons I need to take medication is because I'm a vivid dreamer. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish the difference between my dream and reality. One of the pills makes it so I don't dream, or at least don't acknowledge it or remember the dream. But sometimes, if I'm under a lot of emotional stress, the medication doesn't work."

"That doesn't explain the self harm." He said

"When I was younger my dreams gave me a false happiness that made me question if my dreams and reality were reversed. I injured myself to figure out which was which." I looked up and met his eyes. "All my fears and insecurities were caused by my dreams. And before I could get treatment or anything, they built up until they ruled over me. They became who I am. I still get lost sometimes. The cuts remind me that this is reality and that reality is hell. The words are my way of acknowledging my flaws. All though my doc says it's a cry for help…" I ended looking away again.

"What if it is?" He asked quietly. I looked over at him, my eyes narrowed a little bit, he simply rolled his eyes in reply "I've known you for less than a day, but Aaron has known you for two weeks and he told us quite a bit about you, he never mentioned anything like this."

"Until you, no one has seen this me except my therapist...I have two really good friends back in the States, they've seen it come out, and they've told me I'm not some of those things, but I know they were just being nice…"

"How did dreams bring you to this?" he asked confused.

"Because my reality is also my living hell. My dreams were like heaven. I dreamed I was happy with one person I was guaranteed I could never even think of having, but the dreams made me happy. Eventually I started hating them, I-" I stopped realizing what I was saying and quickly stood up. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this…" I said facepalming. "You need to leave…"

"Molly-"

"Now, Ren." I said starting to walk away. I stopped short when he grabbed my hand. I almost changed my mind when I felt how warm his hand was, but I knew, I couldn't let anyone in. Especially him. That would only lead to more pain.

"God damn it, listen!" I froze. "I bet that you think if you let someone in, you'll only end up in more pain. But if you don't talk about it, it will hurt more! I only met you today but we'll be working together for the next three months, I want you to be able to trust me along with the rest of the group." He said. How was he able to tell my reason so quickly? When I didn't speak, he let go of my hand and started walking towards the door. I fell to the floor and started crying silently.

"...Please don't go…" I said quietly, my voice cracking. I heard him stop and then walk back over to me. He sat down next to me and pulled me to his side and left his arm around me.

"Do you want to continue?" He asked softly. I nodded.

"I really do...but I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Getting hurt. I want to trust you, I really do. But people I don't know scare me...it one of my 'phobias'. I'm constantly afraid people will either judge or hate me...I have so many issues, and I don't know how to deal with any of them. When I was diagnosed with all my issues, I wasn't told how to deal with them, I was just given pills and was told to take them when I went to sleep and when I woke up. I'm in highschool, God damn it! I don't want to deal with this kind of shit!" I put my head in my hands. "I don't want everything to be solved with medication…" I cried softly.

"It sounds like to me, you have some things you need to work out, but you have no idea how. Does that sound right?" Ren asked. I nodded. "Well, while you're here, I'll help you a little bit at a time. And I'm sure the others would want to as well." I started panicking.

"Please don't tell them!" I quickly begged looking over at him. He looked into my eyes for a second and then nodded with a small smile.

"At least tell Aaron, okay? You're closer to him then you are to me, so he deserves to know." I nodded

"I just don't want the others to know, not yet at least." He nodded again

"You said you have phobias, right?" I nodded "Can I know what they are?"

"Um...I guess...some of them I'm not really sure why, my doc just told me I had them and what they were. I have Agoraphobia which is the fear of helplessness and of leaving safe places, Glossophobia is the fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak, Autophobia is a fear of isolation, Gelotophobia is a fear of being laughed at, Haphephobia is the fear of being touched, Scopophobia is a fear of being looked at or stared at, Phonophobia is a fear of loud sounds or voices, Oneirophobia is the fear of dreams, um...Philophobia is a fear of love, and...Atelophobia which is a fear of not being good enough or imperfection. I take medication for most of them. The medication just makes me calm though, so I don't freak out as much. I've also been told I have slight paranoia…" I finished quietly.

"...A fear of love?" he asked chuckling. I gave a sad smile.

"I'm not even fully sure, but last year this guy came up to me and said he loved me and asked me out and I freaked out, ran to the bathroom, and started crying. It took at least a half an hour for my best friends to calm me down. The doc thinks that because my dreams are so vivid and they involved loving and being with one particular person, and that those dreams started sending me into this mess, that I started to associate love with dreams rather than reality. And you know what dreams do to me…Although he said that if me and that person in my dreams were to ever meet and somehow fall in love, then I wouldn't be scared. I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean…" I muttered

"Well, I think we should make a list of all your fears and start working on them together and get you off of you medication. I'm sure there will be a few that will never really go away, but I think we can make them less scary for you, like being afraid of loud noises. Same with being touched...by the way, if you're afraid of people touching you, then why are you letting me touch you?" he asked

"It's the medication mostly, but it's also more if they touch me without my consent. Like if someone were to come up behind me and poke my sides." He nodded pausing to think for a second.

"How do you think you would act tomorrow if you stopped taking your medication?"

"It would still be in my system but only for about half a day if I drink a lot of water. They would just slowly disperse so if I was in a situation that would normally scare me for that entire time, I would go from my medicated slowly to what I would be like without my medication." he nodded again "Why?" I asked starting to freak out a little bit.

"What if you didn't take any of your medication and Aaron and I stayed with you until the end of tomorrow. That way we can help you get over your fears without medication."

"Um...we can try it, I guess. But I'll take my pills with me just in case things get to be too much." He smiled

"Alright, well I should be going. I'll come pick you up tomorrow and the first thing we'll do is tell Aaron, okay?"

"Um...do you think-" I stopped and looked away "Nevermind…"

"No, what is it?"

"Would it be possible for you to stay here tonight?" I asked quickly. He gave a small chuckle

"I wouldn't mind." I tried to stand up, but my legs hurt and I fell back down wincing. "Are you alright?" He asked kneeling down. I nodded

"I think I might have cut a little deep earlier. My legs hurt…" I mutter quietly. He shook his head chuckling and picked me up bridal style, carried me to my room, and gently put me in my bed.

"I'll sleep on the couch, if you need anything just call me, okay?" I gave a nod.

"Thank you for everything you've done today for me…" I said quietly

"It's the least I can do, I'll see you tomorrow." with that he turned off the lights, closed the door, and left. I was afraid of what my dreams and tomorrow would bring, but for now I wasn't alone. And with that thought, I fell asleep, falling into my dreams.

* * *

><p>I woke up in a cold sweat. It had been a long time since I had a nightmare, and mine were always freaky. Once I dreamed about this crazy cereal killer chick who was a masochist and I woke up right after she made an orgasmic sound when she cut herself in half with a saw...yeah, I'm really messed up. This one was more emotionally scary though. I couldn't really remember all of it but I did remember the pain I felt, it felt like my heart was stabbed with a knife and then slowly torn out. In my dream, all of my friends died in front of me, each differently. But the worst part was watching Ren die. We had been talking and holding hands I think. I think we were walking across a street when he pushed me out of the way of a speeding car, taking the his instead of me.<p>

I remembered the blood on the ground and covering my hands when I ran over to him screaming his name, begging for him to stay with me, saying that he promised never to leave me alone. And that's when I woke up. After a few minutes of shivering and crying, I quickly rushed into the bathroom with my cloths for the day and turned the heat of the water all the way up. I let it hit my skin, instantly turning red and making my scars pop out. I cleaned my self and turned off the water, making sure I was completely dry. I dressed, blow dried my hair, and put it in my usual style. I looked in the mirror and smiled a little.

_I look nice_

With that thought I froze. I quickly opened the bathroom door and went to the living room, seeing Ren asleep on the couch. I went back to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

_This has to be a dream…_

I started crying as I found my blade. I rolled up my sleeve and got ready to slide my little silve friend against my skin. If this was actually reality, I would feel the pain and I would go back to my hell that is reality. If this was a dream, I would wake up. As I lowered the blade and was about to cut my skin, Ren burst through the door and quickly grabbed my wrist and took the blade out of my hand. The fact that he was shirtless made me think even more that it was a dream.

"Molly, look at me." I looked into his scared eyes with my teary ones. "Why were you about to do that?" he asked. I gave a sad smile.

"Because this is a dream, and it's about time I woke up and when back to my living hell." his eyes widened.

"Listen to me, this isn't a dream. Okay?"

"But you died, it happened right in front of me. Your blood was on my hands. My dreams are always better than reality, so this must be a dream, right? You wouldn't be here is it wasn't." I said getting more and more confused, becoming hysterical. He grabbed my hand and put it against his bare chest so the I felt his heartbeat.

"I'm alive, this is reality. You can feel my heartbeat." he said pushing a little harder.

"I can feel it in all my other dreams to, you have only ever existed in my dreams." I said backing away. In my dreams, this would sometimes happen, but never to this extent. But this had to be a dream, right? He looked at me confused, and then it looked like he realized something. He gave a smile and grabbed my hand.

"Will you come with me for a minute?" he asked kindly, just like he would in my dreams. I shook my head.

"If I go with you, I'll get attached to my dreams again. I need to get back to reality. I need to go through my daily dose of hell so that I know that I'm in reality."

"Just this once, please?" he asked. After a few seconds, I nodded and he grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom. I saw he still had my blade in his hand, I quickly grabbed it and pulled away from him and tried to cut any part of myself I could. Before I could he tripped me back onto my bed and pinned me down, making sure I couldn't move.

"I can't stay anymore, because then I'll wake up it'll hurt even more." I said starting to sob. "I don't want to go through it again!" I yelled.

"Molly! This is reality! Reality can be as nice as a dream okay, it's not always full of pain."

"It is for me!"

"Not today." he whispered. "Remember? We were going to talk to Aaron about you scars and we were going to help you get over your fears. We both went to sleep after that. You must have had a nightmare and woken up confused."

"That doesn't mean anything." I cried.

"Is there anyway I can prove to you that this is reality without hurting you?" he asked. I started freaking out. There was another way, but if this really wasn't a dream then I pretty much told Ren that I had been dreaming about him when I was younger and dream him cause all of my problems. I started struggling, but I couldn't move him.

"This has to be a dream! You wouldn't be here if it wasn't and I would never tell you about my dreams if this was reality, I'm never that confused! In my dreams you always told me you would never kiss my cheek or anything like that because I'd wake up even more confused then I normally would!" I said before thinking. After a second of silence, Ren leaned down and softly kissed my cheek.

"This is reality, I swear on my life. I'm sorry I've confused you so much now and in the past…" he whispered in my ear. I froze.

_So this is reality. And with everything that just came out Ren's thinks I'm insane…_

Ren let go of my wrists, got off and stood up at the edge of the bed. I quickly sat up and grabbed his wrist, stopping him from leaving, he didn't look back at me.

"I'm sorry...I should have never come here. You probably think I'm crazy…" I said letting go. He gave a forced laugh.

"I'm the one who should be sorry, if it wasn't for me, this would have never happened today and maybe you wouldn't have ended up with all of your phobias…" he said walking away again.

"REN!" I yelled. He froze and turned around, looking at me with pained eyes. "It's not your fault, Ren. It could have been anyone back then and it would have turned out the same way, but if you weren't here right now, I would have let myself bleed out on the floor because I thought I was dreaming. If it wasn't for you, I would have _died,_ Ren." I said crying again when I realized that that would have happened. I curled up into a ball and continued "I've thought about killing myself before, but there was always something that kept me here. I don't even want to consider it right now because I just met you guys and you all see so nice. I want to be able to help you guys with English and get to know you all…" I didn't hear Ren as he walked to me and pulled me into a hug. After a few seconds I uncurled and hugged him back. He was so _warm_. It felt nice.

"Thank you…" He whispered.

"It's the other way around silly. You did nothing wrong. It's not your fault I'm so screwed up, it never will be." I felt him smile and we sat there a little longer before we got up and finished getting ready for the day. And then it was off to meet Nu'est and to tell Aaron about my scars. And maybe what Ren said was right, maybe reality isn't always full of pain.


End file.
